6 Unfortunately-named Dutch Food Items
You guys have Spotted Dick but we have Oily Balls. Buckle up people, we are diving into the dark underworld of Dutch cuisine, where we deep fry our innuendo and mangle small rodents.
1. Revolving Bitches
Basically, this is just French toast (or “eggy bread”). You make it when you really wanted pancakes, but you had stale bread that needed using up. Waste is sinful in our very secular and yet peculiarly Protestant society.
“wentelteefjes” (n. plural) Wentel = to turn, pivot or revolve; teefje = small female dog.
2. Oily Balls
A New Year’s Eve specialty. Famous for their haute cuisine, the Dutch pair top quality champagne with working class pastries deep fried in lard and covered in icing sugar for this festive occasion. Oily balls are sort of like spherical yum yums, but oilier.
oliebollen (n. plural) olie = oil; ballen = balls
Photo: P.M. Kroonenberg
3. Spicy nuts
If the oily balls were just a bit too… soggy… we also have spicy nuts on offer. Tossed at primary school age children once a year on Saint Nicholas Day, these crunchy little biscuits are flavoured with cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, white pepper and probably the ground bones of our Spanish enemies from back in the 16th century (we’re still bitter about it FYI). Fun fact, you can also get a different version called peppernuts, which make your teeth squeak, like halloumi.
kruidnootjes (n. plural) kruid = spice; nootjes = little nuts
(c) https://www.flickr.com/photos/silvertje/
4. FRIES OF WAR
I mean, look at the state of this. It definitely looks like someone has been shot and has leaked blood, pus and shit all over the fries and then thrown up on it for good measure.
patatje oorlog (n. sg. diminutive) patatje = little portion of fries; oorlog = war
(c) https://www.flickr.com/photos/snacknieuws/
5. A bouncer
Nightclubs have bouncers but wouldn’t it be great if you had one for your own house, when your guests are having too much of a good time and you just want them to piss off so you can go to bed? Well, the Dutch have a culinary bouncer. It is a slice of bread with ham, a fried egg and cheese melted on top. It is what you cook when it is 2am and you’re all drunk or stoned (it is the Netherlands, after all) and you want something simple but filling before everyone goes their separate ways.
uitsmijter (n. sg.) to forcefully throw out; bouncer
https://www.flickr.com/photos/screenpunk/
6. Little mice
When a baby is born in the Netherlands, we serve all visitors a round crispbread spread with butter and sprinkled with little sugar-coated aniseeds: blue and white for a boy, pink and white for a girl. The whole thing is so crispy and crunchy and rock hard that you will guaranteed lose a filling but somehow it is one of my favourite things. The aniseeds have a little tail, which is why they are affectionately interpreted as mice. Because eating small rodents to celebrate the birth of your baby is not weird at all.
beschuit met muisjes (two nouns and a preposition) beschuit = crispbread; met = with; muisjes = little mice
(c) P.M. Kroonenberg
7. Crushed mice
After the success of the mice, some sicko clearly wondered what would happen if you crushed them. The result was a kind of aniseedy icing sugar that quite frankly drives me and many other Dutch people wild with desire. Best eaten on a slice of bread but nice on crispbread or pancakes too.
There is even a wonderful little poem about this bizarre food item:
Kleine muisjes hebben kleine wensjes,
Beschuitjes met gestampte mensjes.
(Little mice have little wishes,
Crispbread with crushed people.)
gestampte muisjes (adj. + n. pl.) gestampte = crushed, mashed; muisjes = little mice
(c) https://www.flickr.com/photos/noort/
8. Slagroom
Snigger.
slagroom (n. sg.) slag = beat(en); room = cream.